How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack (a book review)

Gnomes. You knew they were heinous, right? Cute little savage statues adorning the gardens of hair-netted ladies across the globe, looking all innocent while secretly plotting the demise of humans and small rodents alike. Despicable. So, you’ll understand why I bought this book:

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack” by Chuck Sambuchino

Not that I wear a hairnet or anything (and if I did I wouldn’t admit to it), but with spring and gardens and lawn ornaments abounding around my neighborhood, I thought I’d better be safe than, well, you know…dead. And this book has it all: (1) How to assess my risk level. (2) How to determine if infestation has occurred. (3) Preparatory defense recommendations (such as installing a moat or pit of quicksand around the house). (4) A wide array of weapons that are recommended (hockey stick and a pitchfork, anyone?) and some that are NOT recommended (flamethrowers, landmines, etc). The book’s even got some real life survivor stories and some fantastic/creepy photographs of gnomes on the move.

So, if you’re looking for a light and easy how-to manual (and it literally is a how-to manual) for surviving attacks from those murderous garden gnomes, or maybe just a fun coffee table read for your hairnet-wearing mother who spends way too much time sipping mint juleps out in the yard, you might wanna check into this book.

Also, just a random fact for you: According to Urban Dictionary, gnomes also run our electricity. Apparently, when a light switch is turned on, “it triggers a chain reaction between gnomes. One high-fives the other and a domino affect begins, carrying exponentially increasing gnome high-five magic along a chain of microscopic gnomes, eventually leading to the bulb which is set to continuously run by a gnome performing interpretive dance inside the filament.”

Uhhh…gnomes doing interpretive dances?

See, I told you they were dangerous.

Oh, and stay-tuned for a silly interview I did with Chuck Sambuchino. I think you’ll giggle.

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12 Comments

  1. April 21, 2011 | 8:05 am - Reply

    Tree faces! There was one at a Rainforest Café that we recently ate at with our kids. The thing was mechanized to start talking when you walked past. Talk about FREAKY! All 3 of my kids started screaming when it boomed out “HELLLLLLOOOO boys and girls!”

    But gnomes. I have a special place in my heart for the little buggas… but it has something to do with an old movie I used to love watching. Does anyone remember “The Gnome Mobile?” It was in the same era/style as “Herbie” or “Bedknobs and Broomsticks.” However, I always snort and snicker at the part in Harry Potter where they have to de-gnome the Weasley’s garden by spinning the suckers by their feet and flinging them over the fence. Awesome!

    Looking forward to the interview!

  2. Kristen Evey
    April 19, 2011 | 11:44 am - Reply

    This could be good research for my book… Loved your review! Can’t wait for the interview. :)

    Also, large, metal dinosaurs are awesome! We pretty much have our own jurassic park garden on 41. Love it!

    And tree faces? Really?! I’ve never seen the appeal of those. They freak me out more than garden gnomes.

  3. April 19, 2011 | 9:24 am - Reply

    My street is filled with “tree faces!” It must be the thing out here. Well, that, and those huge, metal dinosaurs. Which are very cool. One of the T-rex’s usually has a dog collar hanging from his mouth. *smirk*

  4. Roberto
    April 18, 2011 | 6:44 pm - Reply

    This book seems awesome!

  5. April 18, 2011 | 5:25 pm - Reply

    When I see books like this get published, it makes me wonder if I should stop trying to write “serious” books and just go for the silly. We like garden gnomes, and garden gargoyles, and tree faces, etc.

  6. April 18, 2011 | 2:06 pm - Reply

    That is hilarious. Gnomes are sort of creepy looking, now that I’m thinking about them. :)

  7. Mary
    April 18, 2011 | 1:26 pm - Reply

    Jenn, I agree!

    Ronda, I think you’re seriously onto something with that whole pink flamingo thing. Hmm… I may need to rethink my future old-ladyish lawn decor. ;-P

    Mariel, I’m glad it made you snicker. :-)

  8. Mariel Clement
    April 18, 2011 | 1:23 pm - Reply

    haha! this sounds pretty awesome!

  9. April 18, 2011 | 1:13 pm - Reply

    “They’re just plain psychotic murderers.”
    Didn’t we all have our suspicions?!
    Now, can you get the 411 on pink flamingos?

  10. Jenn
    April 18, 2011 | 12:02 pm - Reply

    Gnomes freak me out so this is awesome!!!

  11. April 18, 2011 | 10:45 am - Reply

    Heheheheh… ;-)

  12. Lori
    April 18, 2011 | 10:18 am - Reply

    Looking forward to the interview :) And this video is very timely as I am in my office this morning… I better go check the microwave.

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