Gnomes. You knew they were heinous, right? Cute little savage statues adorning the gardens of hair-netted ladies across the globe, looking all innocent while secretly plotting the demise of humans and small rodents alike. Despicable. So, you’ll understand why I bought this book:
“How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack” by Chuck Sambuchino
Not that I wear a hairnet or anything (and if I did I wouldn’t admit to it), but with spring and gardens and lawn ornaments abounding around my neighborhood, I thought I’d better be safe than, well, you know…dead. And this book has it all: (1) How to assess my risk level. (2) How to determine if infestation has occurred. (3) Preparatory defense recommendations (such as installing a moat or pit of quicksand around the house). (4) A wide array of weapons that are recommended (hockey stick and a pitchfork, anyone?) and some that are NOT recommended (flamethrowers, landmines, etc). The book’s even got some real life survivor stories and some fantastic/creepy photographs of gnomes on the move.
So, if you’re looking for a light and easy how-to manual (and it literally is a how-to manual) for surviving attacks from those murderous garden gnomes, or maybe just a fun coffee table read for your hairnet-wearing mother who spends way too much time sipping mint juleps out in the yard, you might wanna check into this book.
Also, just a random fact for you: According to Urban Dictionary, gnomes also run our electricity. Apparently, when a light switch is turned on, “it triggers a chain reaction between gnomes. One high-fives the other and a domino affect begins, carrying exponentially increasing gnome high-five magic along a chain of microscopic gnomes, eventually leading to the bulb which is set to continuously run by a gnome performing interpretive dance inside the filament.”
Uhhh…gnomes doing interpretive dances?
See, I told you they were dangerous.
Oh, and stay-tuned for a silly interview I did with Chuck Sambuchino. I think you’ll giggle.